WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN MENTAL HEALTH TRIGGERS

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Well it's been quite some time hasn't it? Almost 11 months in fact, since I last uploaded a video or did a live stream. And I'm sorry to say, that it will cross over the year mark.

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Where have you been?

Hospital. To put it simply. I've spent the last 4 months in hospital. Why? Because I've been struggling with mental health problems for some time now, since I was 10 actually. My depression has come and gone over this last decade (I'm 20 in September), but more recently it began to come back last year.

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More details on your mental health?

I've suffered with depression on and off since the age of 10 for a variety of reasons, which I won't get into now. But I guess I started to have a relapse around June/July 2018, after I left Sixth Form, lost touch with so many friends, and soon after became a manager at my work - adding to stress. At this point, I was probably suffering from mild-moderate depression.

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I made the decision to take a break from YouTube, at the time, thinking it would just be a short one as I wasn't enjoying it so much. Now looking back, I see that it was more likely an early sympton of depression: losing enjoyment in previously enjoyable activities.

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In January 2019, I got a girlfriend and things started to look up again, though far from perfect. After we broke up, in the heat of the moment, I got in my car and drove for miles down the motorway into central London. I was going to then drive my car into a wall. A long story short, the police pulled me over and detained me, later I was transferred to my local mental health hospital and detained under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act (meaning they can keep me against my will for up to 28 days). I was discharged after 6 days, mainly by me telling them what they wanted to hear.

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I got back together with my girlfriend and broke up again after another week, she then completely cut me off, blocked me on everything, and all our mutal friends (who were all of my own friends), and then I found out she had cheated on me. The next day, after a appointment with my GP (perscribing me antidepressants), I drove to the train tracks and intended to end my life. Again, to keep a long story short, the police picked me up and I was detained once again.

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Four months later, that brings us to here. I'm now under a Section 3 (meaning they can detain me for up to 6 months) and have no discharge date in sight. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and moderate anxiety, I've lost 15% of my weight in 2 months, I'm on my third antidepressant, my best friend killed herself 2 months ago, and other bad news in the family. I actually ended up writing a list of all the major bad events that has happened to me in the last year, I reached 20.

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Before, I didn't want the help. I spent time resisting it, refusing medication, refusing therapy, visits, support, leave. I was in a very, very bad place. I was constantly thinking how I could end my life or self-harm - I still am a lot of the time. For 4 months I was on Level 1, meaning staff had to be with me at all times to stop me doing anything - I've just come off that 2 weeks ago. But as I said, I'll still be here for some time.

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When will I be back?

I really can't say, it's impossible to even estimate something so complex and with such variance in my mood each day.

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So will you ever be back?

I hope so. All I can say is that if I am discharged, then I will definately come back to YouTube. But I still do have my low points, I mean very low points, where I attempt to end my life. I've attempted to end my life, or was about to end my life, 7 times, so far this year. When I'm feeling well, like as I write this, I'm always thankful I was stopped by these amzing people. But in the moment, your mind doesn't think like that, and nothing you think about can overpower those thoughts, you can only try to prevent them before they start.

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Anything else?

Yes, while I'm in here and on the days I'm feeling okay, I've been getting back into the [Omitted]. We'll be accepting applicants on 1 August 2019 again, with an all-new website. So if you've got a channel, and would like to help keep me distracted in hospital, please sign up!

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I'm also considering getting back into JFV, not videos, as I can't make them in hospital, but maybe back to the website, social media, comments etc.

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Conclusion

I wanted to get this out there, as I was at first keeping it to myself, as I thought it was just my private life. But there isn't enough exposure of mental health out there, it's not talked about enough. So to all of my subscribers, viewers or coplete newbies, if you ever need to talk about something, if you're ever struggling, please seek help. I would offer my own help, but I'm not in the best place myself, but I'm still more than happy to answer any questions about mental health.

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I love all the Blue Arrows, and I honestly miss you guys so much - let's just all hope I'm back soon ;)

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Keep simming.

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Jack

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